Wednesday, August 14, 2013

where we're at

The other day, we discovered a talent we didn't know I had. I am awesome at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Except, the way we play doesn't end with Kevin Bacon; Vincent names two actors, and I try to link them in as few steps as possible (and never more than six). It makes me feel like my freakish propensity to remember actors' names and from whence I know them is actually very important and could one day win me a million dollars, or a car, or something.

I know it's been quiet around here. I've found life a bit overwhelming lately, and I think I've been avoiding coming here in particular because this is a place where I really think about things, and while that's how I like to live - an examined life - there are times when it's all I can do to just to shower and change my top.

In two words: I'm pregnant.

I'm happy about it; immensely happy, actually. But I'm also shit-scared, and I'm tired all the time, and I feel so responsible, but not responsible full-stop; responsible for. I realise that's how a lot of people live their lives; kids who are their family's big hope, guide-dogs. Parents. But for much of my life, the goal was independence; limited responsibility to, and responsibility for myself only. Now everything I do affects someone else, and by extension, someone else too. Sometimes it paralyses me, and then sometimes I wonder if it's a crutch and if I was already paralysed but now have something I can point to.

Now that I'm here, I realise I need to keep coming back. Before this happened, but after we'd decided we wanted it to, I had begun writing a book about it. Since it happened, I haven't been able to write a thing, and I don't really know why. Do you ever feel as if everything is happening, and nothing is happening? That's how I feel, right now.