Sunday, June 16, 2013

musings

1. I like light and pretty stuff, but it bores me pretty quickly. It's fine for a while, but eventually it feels disingenuous; I'm a firm believer in Nietzsche's amor fati, and the fact that life and its beauty are in everything, not just the nice stuff. On the internet in particular, I get really tired of stuff that completely removes context, and presents light and pretty stuff as whole life. It ain't. And while I understand people using the internet as a form of happy escape, I also think those people miss an opportunity and occasionally shirk responsibility (most style and design blogs, i'm looking at you).

Two of the blogs I enjoy the most are art based, and they manage over and over to present beautiful images, words, and music, squarely in the context of real life, with all of its flaws. The women who write them get mad, and sad, and excited, and celebratory, and I go away feeling fulfilled and alive (in stark contrast to the listless and empty feeling I get after scrolling through screeds of lovely photos, elsewhere, with no commentary save "these are pretty"). I find their work intimidating, and sometimes go away feeling a bit inadequate, and I think that's so great. The fact that one of them is my friend makes me feel really proud.

So anyway (and without further ado, as awful speechmakers always say; oh no, and the ones who say 'adju' instead of 'ado'!), that was a really long-winded and unintentional introduction to these links:

The Benefits of Grumpiness (and yesterday's Justifying the Humanities) on le projet d'amour

missing in action on the bulwark and the sunbeam, which is so beautiful it made me want to cheer

Honesty is beautiful.

2. I was playing on youtube the other day and found the following comment under a video of Louis Prima's Banana Split For My Baby. It doesn't quite make up for all of the sexist and racist fromunda stain comments that are usually on there, but, taking ones kicks where one can, it's pretty fucking awesome.


3. Next time that ad with the "doctor" talking about the deoderant she recommends to her patients who are worried about their "excessive sweating" that you can get "without a prescription!!!" comes on, or Stan Walker (who otherwise seems like a pretty nice guy) tells Gap 5 that they dress like "nice young ladies", I'm going to cover my ears and recite Quit fucking asking me questions to myself. What it's about isn't comforting. But the fact that someone wrote it is. PTL for Jezebel.

4. Good covers are one of my life's pleasures. I love the original of this song, but there's something about Aretha's version that makes me feel kind of religiously tearful and joyful.



5. I've decided to ease up on myself a bit. Once in a while I like to go back in my archives, and see what was happening a year ago. Usually it's an amusing exercise; I find I'm less embarrassed by the stupid stuff, and I can see where I'm at with the rest. This month, however, it just made me feel even more serious and isolated, and I was determined to suck it up and be my sunny self again, even though that's not really how I feel (I'm not against faking it till you make it)... until this morning, when I read an interview Stephen Grosz, an American psychoanalyst, and particularly this one thing he said in it.

"All change involves loss."

Earlier in the week I'd read and right-on'd Sarah's post about giving yourself permission. I'd also gone back to premises I'm keen on for the shop and had looked at back in April but not felt right about them. This time I felt completely different about them, and attributed my change in opinion to my change in attitude, having come out from under the bell jar I was floundering under then.

I guess I forgot that getting back on track is a progression, not an instant cure. I may be miles better than I was two months ago, and that makes me feel so much closer to the me I'm comfortable with, but I'm not there yet, and I need to let myself not be there yet. This change has involved a huge amount of loss for me, and mourning isn't something I can just do and be done with, like Jack Donaghy's immediate mistressy of meditation. And while I'm dealing with it, I'm going to be more sombre. As well as being happy, and mad, and everything else I am at any given second, I'm sad, and I'm trying to figure things out. I don't know how long it's going to take, but I'm going to stop looking at it in terms of time, and go by feeling.

So I'm going to stop trying to lighten up here, and feeling bad when what comes out is rough. This blog is so personal that it has to be whatever I am, and I'm going to let that be what it is.

2 comments:

  1. <3 :)

    I'm glad u liked that one haha... my views have been cut in half since talking about the things I feel most inspired to talk about. Which is the real talk. I'm disappointed that people aren't into that kind of stuff, but it also makes me happy to do away with the kinds of people who prefer the opposite.

    You don't seem too serious at all, in fact, you seem funny as ever my dear? But I guess how we feel inside and what we project are often very different. I read recently that there are 3 aspects to our selves: how we see ourselves, how others see us, and how we wish ourselves to be seen; and that the closer these 3 are the happier we will be - or something like that.

    Anyway I'm intimidated by your writing to be honest! In a good way.

    Hope you are ok though??? xxx

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    1. I know what you mean! I'm realising small talk isn't actually that necessary; there's always something to talk about! People get so scared of meaningful conversation which is such a shame!

      That means a lot to me! Sometimes I can't actually completely remember what I was like before we moved or if I was always like this; if I seem like I thought I was, then that's good! I am okay :) xoxo

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