Wednesday, June 12, 2013

dusky

I've always been one of those people who feels nostalgic for the present. This isn't to say I don't live in it; I do. It's just that whenever I feel really, really happy, I suddenly become hyper-aware of how temporary a moment is, and its uniqueness. I know I'll be just as happy again, but I'll never have that exact moment back, and it tinges the moment with a little bit of sadness.

When Vincent and I started living together, I felt like we were characters in a song or a book; as if we were the first, and the last, and every couple in between who has been in love. I hoped that I'd settle into it, and believe that life can be happy every day and that I'd stop wanting time to slow down, but I haven't. I still want to hold on to all of it, so that I have now as well as all of the happiness that's yet to come. I start to wonder if the feeling of nostalgia is a shadow of the future, when something awful happens and I look back at these years as when life was perfect. Which is funny, because even when I am so happy I could burst, life is never actually perfect. I suppose when life is perfect, there's nothing left to dream...

I wished on the moon
for something I never knew;
wished on the moon
for more than I ever knew -
a sweeter rose, a softer sky
on April days that would not pass by.

I begged on the stars
to throw me a beam or two,
wished on the stars
and asked for a dream or two,
I wished for every loveliness;
it all came true.
I wished on the moon for you.

Dorothy Parker

2 comments:

  1. there's a lovely quote that says something about how you should soak up all the happiness you can to sustain you on your sadder days. i hope you can. i find that i feel more positive when i dwell on the couple of better things that happened during my day rather than how i generally felt. i don't mean to ramble about myself, but maybe that could help you or something. :-) i hope you and vincent stay okay and you can be happy.
    x

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