Tuesday, January 22, 2013

old/new same/different

This has been a Tuesday that felt like a Monday. It reminds me a little of when I was at school, and I felt like every single day was the same, and that it was only that way for me. I love how dramatic and self-absorbed teenage years are, but I feel sorry for the girl who felt that way; like she was just waiting for 'life' to start.

Because of her, I still live as much in my head as in this world. As least partly because of her, I am so moved by books, and films, and music; for a long time (in the scheme of things, not really that long) they were the only way she felt she could experience anything.

I wonder if she still exists. Maybe she's there when I feel self-conscious, or unsure of myself. I wonder if I would even recognise her. I was - maybe still am - a bit hard on my former selves; they had so many faults and cringe-worthy characteristics... but I wonder if one day some of those things will seem okay, like the nerdiness that used to make me feel so wrong and which I tried so hard to suppress, which now seems just a part of who I am, and only matters as much as I let it.

Anyway, I was listening to Coming From Reality this morning, and when I listened to this song, I felt the impulse to sing it to someone, which is something I used to imagine a lot from when I was a teenager in my ivory tower. Except that this time, the someone wasn't someone I know; it was anyone, just so they could hear Rodriguez, and I could be part of it.

2 comments:

  1. I think you are brilliant! I loved our conversations that night about being nerdy. It is so alienating, especially when there are things like ethnicity/culture that make us think we are meant to be a certain way. I have spent a long time wishing I was something else. It's confusing when we don't allow ourselves to just be. Anyway I've been meaning to listen to Rodriguez for a while, thanks for reminding me!

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    1. Sunbeam! That means so much to me... and I hope this doesn't sound trite (but I never say things like this when I don't mean them - maybe part of being nerdy/sincere) but I think YOU are brilliant xoxo

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