Sunday, July 29, 2012

Eventide

I write this with a stomach full of food. I can't recall any works by writers who ate a lot the way I can immediately think of books written by hungry people... So maybe I will keep the text to a minimum, and say what I want to say with songs and pictures.


Tomorrow is my twenty-ninth birthday, and the third anniversary of my marriage. One of those is luck, and the other is extreme luck, and a bit of seduction. Actually, I suppose they both involve a bit of seduction, but we probably don't want to dwell too much on that.

I don't know what the next year is going to bring. I've never really had any real ambition, which I used to think was a good thing, but now think perhaps a little bit might have been valuable in the world I was born into. When I was little and I would catch fairies and blow up dandelions, I never wished for things, or events; I always wished to be happy - it seemed like the most important thing. And I got my wish! But happiness is apt to make one rest on their laurels a bit...

No more. What I do know about this year is that a change is gonna come. Most of the people I love are fast getting older, and as all of the chicken soupy books said would happen, I've only just started to realise how much I want to know from them. My comfortable life is undermining all of the militant things I say. And I really want to reproduce, but I know that things have to be ready.


When I got my first tattoo, four years ago tomorrow, I thought about getting a line from this song. I am still very much the kind of person who wants to convey what she thinks and feels; I suppose that's part of the purpose of this blog. So on the eve of my birthday, this is how I feel and what I think. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I am trying very hard to deserve it. But even apart from feeling lucky, I want to be better; if I had a mission in life, other than to leave the world a better place than I found it, it would be to keep trying to improve, which can be discouraging when I think I've come a long way and then fuck up, and feel like a kid again, but also makes me feel as if I'm a kid again in the nice sense where things are always new and I'm always changing.

Anyway. I've eaten far too much at my and my sister's birthday "lunch" (there wasn't an actual theme but we seemed to implicitly agree it should be Roman) after drinking far too much at our birthday drinks on Friday (again with an unspoken Roman theme; excess being our current watchword), and now I need to go and sleep. Bona nox! 

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